I leave Washington DC next month with a clear and focused mind. This decision is the one thing I am sure of in my life right now. More than four months being unemployed provided me with exactly enough quiet time to find the strength and determination to relocate and start anew. I'm nervous, of course, because if I weren't, then something would be wrong with me. But I do know for sure that now is the time to pull up my roots, take the pains to haul my life to the other side of the country, and re-settle where I feel I will have a brighter and better chance of surviving and thriving.

I'm troubled in my heart by the bitterness I will be leaving behind here, however. 
Betrayal. Abuse. Backstabbing. Lost hopes. Forgotten ideals. Broken promises. 
Friendships gone wrong. Lovers became insane. Heroes turned corrupt.

I salvaged and healed all that I could. I found the strength to let go of things I could not. 

I became the scapegoat in some situations. I play that role well, I suppose, although not willingly. 
Whatever you are scared of, intimidated by, whatever makes you nervous and unsettled,
it is easy to project on to me. It is easy to hate me for things that I have nothing to do with. 
It is easy to twist my face, words, actions, into something other than they are.
It is easy to use me as the dartboard for which all can toss their mental debris. 

I want others to have a clear mind as much if not more than they do, 
but I never thought I would be a martyr for the cause this way. 

I never thought I would be the cursed one to carry the sins and fears of everyone to lighten their burden.
I gave myself freely, and I understand my role as a catalyst in this world, whether I asked for the part or not. 
But still, the weight is heavy as I try to carry all of your hatred on my back. 

It is a long haul out West where I will start anew. 

I will carry this burden over fields, deserts, and mountains,
and I will unload it into the rivers of Oregon,
I will unload it into the ocean where the saltwater will heal.

I carry this burden as far as I can, for you, because I loved you,
and even as you hate me, I carry the weight, I accept my fate.